MyUnfinished-business

Last time I was here I talked about how disconnected I was feelings from everyone and everything. That hasn’t exactly changed much, even if that’s what people want to believe. You see how I’m feeling isn’t exactly something you can change with a flip of a switch. It’s more than that and although I don’t fully understand what it is, I know that something inside of me is different, broke, off… I mean I’m not the type to brush anything off. No, it sticks with me, a conversation, a feeling, an argument. That emotion that I felt in that exact moment no what it was, anger, fear, excitement, sadness. It sticks with me. Playing all day in my head. I can’t let it go. I know I feel too much, I can see myself overreacting during an argument but it’s like I completely leave my body and the worse version of me comes out and all I can do is stare and watch this person I don’t know take over. I say things I don’t mean. I throw things, I shouldn’t be reacting in that way and I know. I hear myself saying don’t do it, don’t say it. That part of me however, that broken switch that doesn’t allow me to calm down or speak my mind calmly and clearly at that time, it’s like it doesn’t allow me to come back into my own body until the damage is done. By then all I can do is replay everything over and over again but the anxiety and embarrassment I have while it replays is too much. Have you ever heard of fight or flight? Well in a situation like that I have three options. I can’t figure out if I should fix things, take a nap or drive away and start a new life. I know that sounds dramatic but it’s how I feel. Fight, flight, or freeze.